Sister in Christ, Please Stop Causing Me to Stumble

To you, it may be a simple tank top. To me, it is a portal to fantastic realms.

To my sister in Christ, 

Greetings! Grace and peace to you. We go to church together. You may remember me from the time I held the door open for you on Sunday morning last year. I asked what perfume you were wearing but you must not have heard me. Anyway, I'm writing to you as a brother in Christ with a simple request: Could you please stop causing me to stumble? 

Let me explain. I am a fellow “follower of the Rabbi”, currently co-leading our men's bi-monthly breakfast walkthrough of the Song of Songs. You may not be aware o this, but masculinity is under attack today, and I feel called to bring this generation of men back to the raw, authentic manhood God wants for us. God made us to be leaders in the home, in our churches and in our communities, and I want to lead men to become warriors who will stand athwart the tide of history and say "ENOUGH" to the secularists dragging this nation to hell. 

But I can't do that if you are exposing your bare shoulders in church. 

I am not writing this to judge you! This letter is sent in love. I am simply calling you to a higher standard, for the sake of the Kingdom. I simply cannot see your bare shoulders without thinking of you topless, on a libertine European beach perhaps, ample bosoms swinging free in the saltwater spray as we frolic in the surf, bathed in the silver rays of a harvest moon that compels us to abandon civilized humanity and embrace the release of our feral natures.

Such is the weakness of the flesh. Let me explain further.

Take, as another example, your cropped t-shirts which compel me to picture you clad in a leopard skin loin cloth (and only that!), trapped in some lost, prehistoric jungle where the dinosaurs never went extinct like they did ~4,000 years ago in the rest of the known world. It is here that you stumble upon me, a downed fighter pilot, the first human contact you’ve known in years, and now we have nothing but each other’s bodies for warmth when the sun goes down.

I’m sure you see the problem.

I must also warn you, in love, against wearing your blue cotton skirt with the three-inch side slit. Obviously, such a slit all but demands that I imagine myself a young mage in some world not so different from our own, and you an Amazonian warrior princess, whose scant armored garments I am able to dissolve into nothing with naught but a wave of my magic wand. You know you ought to be afraid of such power, but you find it strangely alluring too. This mage is not like the other wizards, you think to yourself. If only you knew, I say telepathically, reading your thoughts. 

Anyway.

You may be thinking this sounds stern but take my word for it: I am doing out of concern for your purity. I understand that you are single (so am I!) and do not have the headship of a man in your life. It is very difficult for women to shop for clothes, since they are ruled by their emotions and will buy tight, provocative, skimpy, form-fitting, low-cut, flimsy, see-through, did I say skimpy? I forgot where I was going with this.

The point is, you do not have anyone in your life who can lead you towards dressing modestly and away dressing from according to the world's latest fashions and styles, such as the dress you wore in this linked Instagram, the yoga pants you wore in this TikTok your gym posted, and the Princess Leia bikini from Return of the Jedi, which you don't own but would look good on you (see attached AI generated image). Many men who see see you in these clothes may stop thinking of themselves as godly soldiers charged to bring America back to her founding principles and start thinking of themselves as a shipwrecked pirate on an exotic island populated only by you, the last mermaid of the dark lagoon, who must use this marooned buccaneer to repopulate her doomed race.

That's not something you want on your conscience. 

I must also ask you to refrain from wearing high heels (they make you tall, like a warrior giantess. And I, your barbarian prisoner who has been forced to satiate your most fleeting urges), the color green (a beautiful alien scientist who has abducted me to study the ways of earthling sexuality) long, flowy dresses (a ghost who will not know final rest until she has made love to me one million times), and sunglasses (too mysterious).

Thank you in advance for accepting this in the spirit it was intended. If you want to discuss further, you'll find my phone number, social media handles and a photo with some of my best cosplays/coolest swords attached. 

Praying for you.